The Fat Suit Experiment

e-eating

2010-08-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

emotional eating.

it sucks.

i do it.

i feel like crap, then i eat to feel better. then i feel more like crap because i ate and then i wait a little while and still feel bad so i eat again to see if that makes me feel better, then i feel bad again about eating and then...

well, you're smart people, you can figure it out.

as you are such smart and educated people i'm sure you all can use your deductive reasoning skills to figure out i'm not at my most best point right now. prayers and good thoughts? please and thanks.

WOAHprah.....

2010-05-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

See, I am still alive.

Still in this experiment, but still alive!!

At 10:00 pm, Channel 7 re-airs The Oprah Winfrey Show (now I'm guessing that it's not channel 7 at your house; whatever that Chicago station is that must pay LOTS of money because I've gotten it EVERY place that I have EVER lived in). Some may find it surprising (most will not) but, I'm really not a fan of Oprah. My reasoning is a whole other kind of blog, so I wont get in to that, but I will say that she's pretty tricky, that O. She knows how to pull a little southern God-fearing conservative like me in - with Fat People.

Last night Oprah grabbed my attention by showing home videos of women who are in throes of a battle with food addiction. These women shared their thoughts and feelings before, during, and after they eat... they talk about the shame, the feeling of failure, the uncontrollable urge to eat - and eat a lot of things. They were all different in age, shape, and color. But they were all the same in their feelings and thoughts. "I feel so ashamed"; "I don't know why I ate it"; "When I'm eating - I feel good"; "I forget about all the bad things when I'm eating"......

Oprah was open and honest about her own struggles with weight and food addictions. She told the story of having to tell someone "no" and then sitting down and eating a pound of lettuce, because she was so afraid that she had made someone "mad" or "put out" by her decision. She said then she had her epiphany that eating a pound of lettuce is no worse than eating a pound of potato chips - it's still an obsession and obsessions are what we create in order rid ourselves from that yucky feeling that overtakes us when we are sad or hurt or overwhelmed.

Deep? yeah.

True? You bet. At least for me.

I don't have a lot of obsessions (ha!) But, I sure do know about the food obsession and the comforting numbing feeling that takes over when I taste that delciousness that is ice cream or that yummy bread and olive oil, or pasta.... (I think you get the point). For the small amount of time that it takes me to eat, I'm completely oblivious to my worries. To the stressess of life that I feel sometimes will over-take me. During that time.... all is well. And utterly delicious.

Oprah had a guest on her show, the author of the book Women Food God. She had some interesting points - I mean at some points all of the analogies and lovey-happy-feely stuff got a bit overwhelming and a little "deep"- but, I'm definitely interested in checking it out and seeing if it can work for me. I mean if Oprah loves it, then.....................

....hello? peering from behind the wall

2010-04-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. I'm still here. The experiment continues on. Ugh.

Obviously, you guys probably know where I've been and what I've been up to. And if you're not sure, let me go ahead and help you out by telling it's not the gym.

Seems I'm worse off than when I got started with this. How did that happen?!

However, I'm ready to give this one more big shot. One more great go.

Muy Caliente!

2010-01-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited! Today, I made a Mexican Chicken casserole for new friends who just had a baby and guess what?...... I didn't eat ANY Doritos!

Woo to the Hoo!!

For those of you who don't know, my Mexican Chicken casserole is chickeny and cheesy and crunchy. And, it's so simple! Here's the recipe:
........................ oh, wait. As this is a weigh loss blog, I'm pretty sure the recipe is not allowed here.

Well, let's just say I am very thankful that the casserole (and the bag of Doritos) are leaving this house in less than an hour. *huge sigh of relief*

The experiment is still on...

2010-01-13T12:49:00.000-08:00

Which is not entirely a good thing. So far in my fat-suit experiment I have learned that being fat makes you tired. It's a lot to do carrying all of this extra weight around! And the mental exhaustion?! My goodness it is so tiring doing all of this worrying and fretting over being fat. Whew. You'd think I had just worked out.... but we all know that's not the truth.

Also, in this experiment I have found that being fat makes you lose a bit of your personality. I have always had a little tendency for initial shyness....but not wanting to go out in public? I mean really.

This experiment has also revealed that being fat can make you depressed. (big news there, huh?) And with depression, oddly comes the need to eat some more and do less.

In conclusion, being fat sucks. And it's very hard to overcome. (Especially over the holidays when the food fairy comes and magically deposits sprinkles of extra yumminess into EVERYTHING)

So, with my final conclusions reached ( this was an experiment, after all) it is now time to shed the fat-suit and all of the evils that come with it. Let the battle begin!

A chipmunk on steroids

2009-10-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

That's what I looked like today when I was sitting in front of the mirror in my drape getting my hair cut.

Can I get a Woop Woop?

2009-07-29T09:37:00.001-07:00

Gym day number 2 complete! Yay!

As I said yesterday I'm starting to view the gym as more than a source of torture fitness. I've come to see it for the vast source of entertainment that it is….and it makes great blogging material!

One of the things that I like about my gym here is that it has a "women only" room in the back. I'm not really embarrassed by working out, but I don't like having to maneuver through all the people and machines and such in order to get my workout done. So ANYWAY…. I was working out yesterday and this older lady was getting her fitness on and attached to her (unbuttoned) pants was this fine little number:

Who knew they still existed?

What made me giggle even more was that between the fact that her pants were unbuttoned and the weight of the walkman… well, we nearly saw her GP's!! (granny panties!)

I wonder who's blogging about seeing me at the gym?

Just FYI

2009-07-27T06:40:00.001-07:00

I just spent the last hour at the gym... sweating, enduring painful feet and erratic heart beats. It took a good bit of rolling around in bed, self talk, a grocery store stop, and a few wrong turns to get me there, but I was there none the less.
Yay me!

While there I was entertained by the various sorts... seems that the older people are at the gym at 8:00 am. There was one lady, probably in her 70's on the treadmill with the incline at about 10 speed at about 3.5, holding on for dear life and going at it. I kept glancing her way and making up a game plan about what to do when she fell..... then, as I was leaving, I saw her roaming around in the weight section. My entertainment turned into encouragement! I only hope I can do that much when I'm that age!!

Just one little bite...

2009-07-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

So I've discovered the end to my dieting woes....

Eat it all until you want to vomit. Then, you don't want it anymore.

Wait. what?

You mean, this is probably not a good method?

When I'm at work, sometimes I am completely overcome with a craving. It's usually for something sweet. I once would tell you that I really was a "salt" girl, but now, it's more sweet. (er, anything). Since I've got candy here on hand, it's easy for me to have just one bite. and then another. and then another. andthenishoveawholehandfulinmymouthatonetime. and then the bag is gone.

Remember this? Well, after this binge, I found out that I know longer have the desire for skittles! I grabbed a couple and nearly gagged. Woo hoo. That's one sweet craving banished.
Yesterday, I got the hankering for Wonka's tiny sweet tarts. You guessed it...the whole bag gone. Now, I cringe at the idea of anything sweet or tart.

I'm going to get started on the aversion to cheesecake now......

This Weekend's Highlights and Lowlights

2009-07-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

HIGHLIGHT
Spending some time with one of Ghubs good friends from college and his family. I love watching my husband when he's in a "comfortable" environment....we laughed a lot!
LOWLIGHT
Spending time with said friends around a pool...bathingsuit? no.way.

HIGHLIGHT
Seeing my sisters and precious niece and nephew. I. HEART. THEM.
LOWLIGHT
My 5 year old niece was DEAD SET on seeing my "princess nightgown" (long story there) So, I showed it to her. I held it up and she had this look of great concern on her face...
C: What's wrong, J?
J: Are you sure that it fits?
C: Yeah.. why do you say that?
J: It's just...it's so small and you're so big!

HIGHLIGHT
Completing a 6.25 mile hike around the lake...seeing some really neat things from nature.. and NOT DYING!! :)
LOWLIGHT
NONE :)

They're coming to take me away haha....

2009-07-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

Conversation between me and Ghubs:
G: So, I read you blog...
C: Oh, you mean the fat one?
G:Yeah
C: So what do you think?
G: Have you ever thought about seeing a psychiatrist?

Husbands say the darndest things.

Is that really necessary?

2009-07-07T04:48:00.000-07:00

So, Ghubs and I joined a gym yesterday.
Let's all say it.. Yippee!

It's a nice gym. We worked out yesterday and I'm glad I did. It's motivating and I actually did not die as I was doing cardio. That's a plus right there.

Anyway, so we go to talk to the people about the gym and they tell us that they have a "visualization" motivation process that they do with every new "guest". Huh?

So, you sit at the table with the consultant and she pulls up this computer program... think those people that you make for your self when you play WII...
You put in your eye and hair color, facial expression,....height, body type, and weight.
(Do you see where this is going?)
So the computer calculates this image of what you look like.. and you can even touch-up in places! Add more weight to your belly, thighs, neck, etc. It's a barrell of fun, I tell you. Of course the motivation part comes when the image is magically transformed into the new you after working out at their gym. Voila!! A hottie cartoon you! It also tells you your goal weight loss for your body type (75lbs!!) and an estimated time frame (2-70 monhts... uh...). Then, those kind people at the gym print out your fat cartoon you and your hottie cartoon you and send you on your merry way.

Lucky for me... the printer was out of paper.

Aha!

2009-07-07T04:45:00.000-07:00

Red Velvet Cake at Boll Weevil Cafe

Fried Snickers Bar at Grove Hill's Art in the Park

I wonder if these have anything to do with my current situation....

Tough Time

2009-06-30T08:20:00.001-07:00

Hey friends... no funny stories or sunny outlooks today.

I'm having a tough, tough time right now. I am so not happy with myself and with my body and things just feel off. I'm caught in a crazy cycle and I just can't seem to get going on the right track.. I'm so tired of failing. I fail every.single.time.I.try.

Just, send me good thoughts and prayers of encouragement. :)

Is this ok?

2009-06-25T05:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've admitted to having like a crazy compulsion to eat. However, what if I feed that compulsion with good, healthy food? Is the compulsion still like, a disorder then?

FYI. I compulsed (my word) upon a nice, juicy, red watermelon the other day. Could have eaten whole thing if it was left up to me!

It makes me Giggle...to see it Wiggle!

2009-05-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

I tried on clothes today. At the store for sizes 12W-26W. It wasn't very fun. It seemed like everything in there was bright and bold and the bags were big and the earrings were big and the clothes looked so big, but the dress I tried on was too small! And I saw something in that store that shocked me to the core and made me want to run home and bury my face in my pillow and even made me consider a brief interlude with puking. It was horrible. I saw...................

My ass.

My body type is horrible. I am most definitely an apple. I've always, always carried weight around my middle, but usually have muscular arms and legs. And while I never had a dime-bouncer, my rear was always ok for me. It was never shapely, it just didn't scare me. But I saw today that when I tried on this dress, that I have only the smallest indention of a waist. I have the beginning (ok, maybe middle) stages of the table top ass.... ahh, yes, sexy. You know what I'm talking about. If I had the flexibility to bend over for a long period of time, you could probably put a nice little lamp on my ass and maybe a candy dish or decorative candle. What's worse is that I'm pretty sure that you can see two distinct planes if I am walking away from you. Oh joy oh joy. I am never getting into a bathing suit!!

So, needless to say, I didn't get the dress. I left very sad and felt the strong urge to eat. Yeah, that's what I said. I wanted to eat. That's what is so terrible about compulsive eating and emotional eating... the same thing that torments you gives you comfort. My smart, reasonable self knows this..my "inner skinny" self knows this.. it's just sometimes so hard to pull away from those emotional bindings that I have to food...I left the store and the first thing that popped into my head was to go to Bruster's!.... but, I didn't. I made it safely home, fixed myself a nice healthy snack to ease some of my burdens... and now here I am posting. One gold star for me!

However, what in the world am I going to do about my rear end?

Finally!

2009-05-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

After how many weeks (um, months) of blogging can now finally post a success story. Woo hoo! Yippe! Yay!

So far, I have had two good days.. don't get lost in al that counting that's one. two. good days!
I've been having a lot of good mornings - starting the day off right with something fresh and light to eat, but destroying myself in the evenings. So, I am happy to say that I have started and ended my day on the right foot for two consecutive occasions! (ok, so I technically haven't ended the second day yet).

Yesterday Ghubs and I went for a really nice, long walk with one of the pups. It was such a nice evening last night, I hated to be inside. Ghubs wanted to ride bikes (eek!) but, I convinced him that without insurance, we really didn't need to chance anything! Anyway, it was a nice walk and really got us motivated. I even woke up this morning and did some weight training! We're planning on heading out for another walk or something this afternoon. One of the good things about living in GA now is that it is dark a lot later! I got home at 7 pm last night and we were able to eat dinner and still have enough light to head out for our walk.

I made myself what I consider to be a yummy and nutritious dessert last night and I wanted to share the "recipe" with you guys (really, its not a recipe, just a.....thing)
use a smaller bowl (portion control!!) and put in about five sliced strawberries and a handful of blueberries top with about 1/4 cup low or nonfat vanilla yogurt, drizzle with honey and sprinkle the top with nuts..yum.

ok, now that I wrote that out, it doesn't sound very ingenious. But, I don't think honey gets used as often as it should be!! It only takes a small amount of it to get a great sweet flavor, and it's a completely natural sweet. To me, it's kind of like a caramel... To make it even better, freeze the yogurt, or I was thinking last night that a small dallop of frozen fat free cool whip would be tasty too! It completely cured my urge for a sweet. Let me know if you try it and what you think. Do any of you have any special healthy treats that you would like to share?

It's five o'clock somewhere...

2009-05-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

Some people race home after work to kick back and enjoy a nice cocktail. Not me. I race home and burst through the door to begin eating. I can make fantastic choices while I am away at work. Sometimes, I hardly have time to eat at all! But, I tend to drink lots of water and can usually really stay on target. But, something happens when I get home at night. Especially if I'm alone. I can eat almost a whole bag of chips, then get some pickles, then get a spoonful of something sweet. It's like I lose awareness of how much i am actually eating! That's when I become compulsive. There seems to be something that make me feels so good about eating, but then after, I'm so repulsed by what I have done! I have to try to hide the evidence from Ghubs, but he's caught on that I often throw things away because I can't stop eating it. How embarassing! If only I could get compulsive about cleaning or working out. Why does my compulsive behavior have to be so harmful to myself?

Wowza.

2009-05-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if a billowy polka dot shirt is really ideal to wear when you have gained weight. Ghubs said over and over again how much he liked the shirt, but I saw a couple of pics and thought. Woah. Who's that microcephalic fat girl?

Nope, you wont find the pic on this post, so quit looking. It's hidden far, far away...(or on facebook, where everyone can see it. I got tagged, but shh....don't tell).

Cremed Corn, Butterbeans and Pork Chops

2009-04-29T10:23:00.001-07:00

This is what my mother is fixing in the kitchen RIGHT NOW. Dear Lord, hasn't she seen me? Doesn't she know that she should be offering me lettuce leaves and carrot sticks? And yesterday, I was forced to eat chicken and dumplings, macaroni and cheese and cornbread for lunch!......ok, so maybe that's what I chose to put on my plate, but whatever.

UAA

2009-04-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

So, they have all of these "anonymous" organizations for whatever kind of problem you can imagine. Alcoholic? got it. Drugs? Got it. Over eater? got it. Sexual addiction? got it. Shopping addiction? got that one too. But, in all of my research, I couldn't find an "anonymous" for the one thing that really ails me right now.......

Has anyone seen the "Under Active Anonymous" group anywhere?

I actually like to exercise....er, be active. I don't like to run (flat feet+big chest+uncoordinated breather= not a good runner). I do like to walk, but not in circles. I actually love to lift weights (thanks Mrs. Baugh and Coach Davis!), but get really bored, really easy. I also have found that, um, I'm pretty much a wussy quiter. I don't like to continue doing things that hurt or are tiring. I mean, why? Soo, here I am...what's a fat girl to do?

My mantra at this moment is to "do what you love". I don't have to run or do an elliptical machine to get good cardio. Lately, I've been playing around with creating my own circuit work outs, which I really like doing. The G-Hubs and I have also been hiking lately, something that we are finding we both really enjoy. I'm also looking to add dancing and biking back into my "lifestyle". I've come to the conclusion that I sort of have to trick myself into working out. I'm trying to make sure I do SOMETHING every day. My motivating factor at this moment is when my tush starts hurting because I've sat on it ALL DAY, then I need to get up and MOVE!! Do any of you guys have any tricks to share on exercising? I mean, other than just doing it?

My friend KVb has started a blog about searching for her inner skinny. Her latest post, inspired this masterpiece you've just read. Go here and check it out!

Fried Candybars?

2009-04-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

I mean really, isn't a candybar bad enough as it is? Why does someone feel the need to drown it in funnel cake batter, deep fry it, and smother it in powdered sugar. And, who decided that this type of thing needs to be sold at little county fairs and art shows? Why can't they put veggies on sticks and sell those? Maybe a nice fruit cup on a stick? That would definitely make it easier on us food-a-holics......

Oh, and yeah....it was delicious.

New Name, New Game

2009-04-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

I guess you can see that I changed the title of my blog.. (see, right up there ^). "Confessions of a Mad Fat Woman" was a little too negative and not really me. I don't know how I came up with that one - writer's block, I believe.. but the "The Fat Suit Experiment" - well I think that's just genious! Sounds a lot peppier don't you think?

The name actually came to me when I was lying in bed one night, contemplating on the this and thats of life. I was lying there thinking about how horrible I feel at night now... my back hurts, I snore, my joints ache, yada yada. I knew that all of this was related to the weight that I have gained. I realized that I wasn't just "big boned" anymore ( I mean really, is that a real excuse?!). Nope, I'm there. I'm fat. And along with it comes all of those things that you hear Oprah and Dr. Oz and Dr. Whosoever talking about. And, on top of the health concerns comes the psychological stuff... I hate clothes, I hate taking a bath. Sometimes I get dressed in the closet so my husband doesn't see me.... yep. I'm there. I meet all the criteria for fat. yay.(do you hear sarcasm? good.)

And so, I got this visualization of Tyra Banks. Woah. What? Tyra?- yes ma'am. One day when I was home sick, I was flipping through the channels (or maybe I had Tivo'd it..) and came across "Tyra Undercover" - turns out she was dressed in one of those fat suits that they make people wear in movies and going out and about in town to "see what it's really like" to be fat. Ha!

I like to think of myself during this time as just doing an experiment for tv..er, minus the cameras and producers and supermodel. This is just a temporary thing. I see what it feels like physically and mentally... and now, I have the data that I need.....IT SUCKS!!!

So, with that, I'm turning this thing over. When I started the blog, it was going to be my outlet.. then I got caught up in just making it funny..then, when I failed, I got embarassed and didn't want to write about it...and as you can tell, the posts got less and less. But in failures and successess, funny and sad experiences, I'm going to talk about them here. And gain support and encouragement from any and all of you who may read or comment.

Experiment, on!!

Note to self

2009-04-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

Go back and read yesterday's post and.....step away from the Skittles! :)

Skittle dee dee..skittle dee do...skittle dee DONT!

2009-03-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

My job has proven to be hazardous to my health. Not only do I sometimes get pinched, bitten, screamed at and spit on, I also have to drive away compulsions daily because of little pieces of a rainbow.

You all know what I'm talking about... skittles - "taste the rainbow". Funny how they use the verb "taste" rather than "devour" as I tend to do. These little treats (which, really aren't THAT tasty) have had a little power over me today.

Do you know what a kid will do for a skittle? I have them here, to bribe a child, to reward a child, to torment a child (eat one when they do something naughty, they HATE it!!), etc... so, these little addictons are sitting in the cabinet just to the right of me right now.. it would be so easy to slip over and scoop up a handful.... or two...

BUT I AM NOT!!!! Instead, I am eating tasty little almonds and keeping my hands busy with typing. This is so easy (no it's not!) I'm completely in control of my cravings (really, am I?). Almonds taste so much better than skittles (really, who am I trying to fool?) ....

Just a few minutes inside my head....

2009-03-04T16:26:00.000-08:00

DRIVING TO CHINESE

I love Chinese..I love Chinese... I hope this soup is good, like Yum's soup in Pensacola...
oooh Yum's house special soup, steamed rice and crab rangoon....crab rangoon.crab rangoon.crab rangoon.stop thinking about crab rangoon, you're on a diet..................
crab rangoon.crabrangooncrabrangoon...red sauce and crabrangoon.....I can eat it in the car before I go in at home and Greg will never know...crabrangooncrabrangooncrabrangoon....no.stop.just soup just soup just soup and crab....

IN RESTAURANT
don't get it.don't get it. don't get it...

"I'll have the house special soup, a small steamed rice.....and.........no, nothing else, that's all."
yayme!yayme!yayme!yayme!!!!!!!!!

WAITING ON FOOD
I am so good. I am so proud of myself. I said no! yay me! I said no to crab rangoon.....
crab rangoon.crabrangoon.crabrangoon.redsauce.yum, would be so good..I can order some now...no don't you don't need any crabrangoon.crabrangoon.crabrangoon.....
whew, thank goodness here's the food!

DRIVING HOME

I am so glad I didn't get that crab rangoon. I can do this diet thing! yay me! hot stuff...hot like the crispy outside of a crab rangoon....crabrangoon .crabrangoon. crabrangoon....

AFTER SOUP
this does not taste like Yum's. I should have had my crab rangoon...
because I didn't get crab rangoon, and I didn't eat all of my soup, I'm going to have this single serving of ice cream...mmmm.that tasted so.darn.good.icecream.icecream.icecream......

Darn those little brown skirted do-gooders....

2009-03-02T06:51:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't posted anything since my rave about my fight against my weight being "on like a chicken bone"-wow, that was a moving moment huh?

Well, I started this little program here that some I know have had success on. The first week, I lost 3 1/2 pounds! I was feeling great, really proud of myself... and then temptation came a-knockin.. and it came in the shape of little angelic faced girls in brown skirts pushing these little boxes of satan treats and proclaiming that if I buy these little treats I'll be "making a difference"....you know what I'm talking about... GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!

I bought the cookies about a month ago? and I had all but forgotten about them until they showed up at my office. Why this week, of all weeks? Well, needless to say, I kind of gave in and had a few when I wasn't supposed to-mind you I did say a FEW. On the bright side, I didn't scarf down the WHOLE box (or 2 or 3) in one sitting. In fact, I really didn't do that terrible with them. But, I did give in and then, very characteristic of me, I kind of got mad at myself for giving in and then gave in with other things.... as a result, this past week wasn't as successful as my first week. BUT,

Here it is Monday. I feel good and excited and motivated. I am practicing on focusing on the positive points rather than the negatives. If I falter one time, I will not give up completely. KATIE ADDIS.. I heart you and I pull on your strength and inspiration for this one!!

Woah Now

2009-02-17T19:43:00.000-08:00

So, I was working with a sweet little kiddo the other day and his mom - who is "big and beautiful" ( I really mean it) casually told me that "rebecca stewart is having a great sale". Now, for all of you who don't know, Rebecca Stewart is a plus sized store. I mean, it was nice and all that she wanted to help me save a little dollar, but woah now. WAKE UP CALL!!!

Well, that just did it for me. I am here to say that this weight loss program is on like a chicken bone (baked, not fried). I've got a little helper to get me started and I am psyched and excited and motivated! Yay me!

Rah Rah Rah

2009-02-06T18:37:00.000-08:00

I was looking through some old highschool pics of me the other day and saw a few from my cheerleader days. I must admit... I was kind of cute! Greg,of course, pointed out how good my legs looked..."why don't your legs look like that now?" Geesh, thanks honey.

I remember high school. I loved it. I loved cheering, because it was something that I knew I was good at. (I would still to this day, cheer!!) I was strong and fit. I was peppy. I was confident. But, I remember having weight concerns then. I wasn't skinny like everyone else. I was average and muscular. But, even then, I felt that I just didn't measure up. But the other day, looking at those pictures, I felt sad for that girl. She was beautiful and perfect and she never really felt that way because she wasn't like the girls in magazines or movies. She let someone that she really cared about tell her that she wasn't as pretty as other girls and that she was "fat" and she let it affect her forever. What was she thinking?

The Cycle of the Addiction

2009-01-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

Thankfully, I was able to exhibit some control and I actually did not eat ALL of the tortilla chips. Woo Hoo!!!
Without going into a lot of detail, things at home have been a bit tough. We've hit the newlywed bump, I think. It was bound to happen, just because it does in new marriages but we may have sped it up with the drastic change to a new, unfamiliar place where we only have two friends and each other. Top it off with a husband still looking for a job and .... well, you can guess it's not always perfect in our house.
Anyway, Greg went upstairs to his retreat and that left me downstairs.. near the kitchen... with the tv on. Can you guess where this is going other food addicts?
First, I tried journaling, reading the Serendipity book club book (still the first one, going pretty slow on that!)...then I just couldn't stand it - I needed food!! I was sad and frustrated and none of the other options were helping. I guess I should just go to the good ole standby.

Pickles. Yummy delicicous sour and salty - and FAT FREE
Well, of course after sour/salty you need sweet to get the taste out... hmmm Cheerios?
Those cheerios were sweet... I need something salty....

It's a cycle for me, and it becomes like an obsession. It's almost like I don't realize the amount that I'm eating when I'm eating it. It's just comforting at that moment. But then, I'm full. The first emotion -hurt is still there, but now on top of it, my belly is full and I feel guilty and ashamed for what just happened. I don't feel better, I feel worse. The thing is, I KNOW THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. I know food doesn't make me feel better at all. But, yet it's still what I crave when I need some sort of emotional support. It's like my brain knows what I should do, but the craving is so much stronger than the brain. You guys know what I'm talking about?

*We made up*

Tortillas Salted with Crack Cocaine

2009-01-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

They're salty, crunchy, and addictive. You know what I'm talking about.... tortilla chips. I think that the Mexican's have secretly formed together to take over these United States by slowly killing us all with tortilla chips salted with crack cocaine. What is it about these little cruncy triangles?
Today, I came home feeling successful about today's food choices (Cheerios and skim for bfast, apply and yogurt for lunch with a decaf nonfat au lait in between) and hopeful about continuing those choices at home (always hard for me). Shucks, Imay even head on over to the Y! But alas, the hubs had those crunchy little crack pipes out..chucking them down one by one. With him in the room, I was able to resist them (I've learned that this is a trait of food addicts...eating alone or hiding your eating habits) but as soon as he headed up, I just had to have a few. Just one.. no wait, go ahead and have another..but just one...oh, there's like three in this handful might as eat them all.....just one more...can'tputitdown....crunch.yum.crunch.yum. Maybe A&E Intervention is on?

Whose pants are these?

2009-01-28T09:12:00.000-08:00

This morning as I was rummaging through the laundry for my ONE pair of jeans, I had an eye opening experience. I had pulled out countless pairs of the hubs jeans and bewilderment, I kept searching for my ONE pair. I found a pair that I thought were the same color as my ONE pair of jeans and tugged them out feeling triumphant... but something wasn't right. The waist of these jeans were huge!! Where were MY jeans darn it?! Then, I saw that the back pockets had this frilly, swirly sort of design on them... not really the sort of design that would have been on a pair of men's jeans. So, I checked out the tag and huh, these were my ONE pair of jeans!! How did the waist get so big?

My name is Christy.....

2009-01-26T20:57:00.000-08:00

and I'm a food addict.
Yep. All true. I love food. I crave food. I truly believe that I am addicted to food.
There's something that happens to me when I take that bite of food. If I'm sad, I immediately feel better. If I am happy, I feel like the event has been celebrated.
I feel like there is some sort of chemical reaction that takes place in my body as soon as I take that first bite.

Some of you know exactly what I am talking about. Some of you think that what I am talking about does not exist. But, for me, it's real. Food takes up a large part of my life. I fight with it all day long. Lately, it's been winning the fight. BUT - I'm deciding to step up and take over.

That's what this blog is all about - me fighting my addiction with food. This will be a place to rant and rave and draw encouragement or shout success. Gear up and hold on!